: )

Fuck this :)

2009-11-06T16:50:00.000-08:00

Good.
Just when I had it all out of my head...
it's back :)
Joy, oh joy.
I wish this feeling would fade,
this feeling of loneliness, of remembering,
of hating, of dreaming, of everything.
It's just another mix,
another week spent
thinking too much
about something that's not
worth thinking of.

I hate my family.
I'm so sick of all of them. :(

10 days until my birthday! :)
18 until my trip :) I can't wait to get away from Hell for a while, even if I'm taking a piece of me with it. :)

Indecisive :)

2009-10-22T18:04:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of over-thinking everything.
Lately, I'm finding I can't make up my mind.
Back to the same old
shiit? :)
It's not really bad though,
I'm finding I like things better like this.
What I was too blind to see,
everyone saw.
I'm glad I opened my eyes on time :)
The only thing I hate:
not being able to decide,
it's all between what I want, what I can't have and what I know.
This sucks :)
And yet,
I'm in love with being
indecisive :)

Over.

2009-10-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

Over it :)
Over you.
Over the situation.
Over it :) Over you :) Over your ego :)
Karma. Karma. Karma. My new best friend && your newest and worst enemy...just wait for it. It's coming baby :)

F

2009-09-08T19:05:00.001-07:00

To be honest,
I can't forget you.
Fuck.
It's like every second of the day,
I find you inside my head.
I hate this.
The worst feeling
is this:
knowing I could still say "I love you"
and mean it, say it with all the honesty in the world
and knowing you could never say it to me,
knowing I'd never hear you say it back with honesty.
Knowing that while I'm suffering,
you shamelessly move on.
I'm not saying moving on is bad,
not in the least...
but why the fuck did you, could you
do that so fast?
It hurts.
That while I'm in pain,
you go on.
You go on happily,
dandily.
Fuck.
I want you out of my head.
Damn it.
I want you out of my head already.
I hate myself,
hate myself for still loving you,
when I don't even want to anymore.
I hate myself,
hate myself for still checking my cellphone everyday,
hoping,
wishing,
waiting.
FUCK.
This wasn't supposed to happen like this,
I never wanted it to end this way.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
No no no.
I can't forget,
I remember
every detail, every little thing.
Ask me anything(ANYTHING)
and I could tell you,
oh,
oh so easily.
Screw this all.
I'm fed up with our memories,
fed up with everything I know about you.
Fed up with these things.
My heart is still breaking,
this awful aching.
I miss you,
I won't even lie,
not even to myself.
I miss you.
FUCK.
FUCK.
And FUCK again.

Wisher

2009-09-01T19:29:00.000-07:00

I wish it wasn't like this,
but wishing seems to be everything I do lately.
I don't even have strenght to smile,
I feel like I'm falling to pieces,
and the mirror confirms it.
I wish this had never happened,
I wish I could still call you mine.
I know I'm a fool.
But I don't even give a shit about it anymore.
All I know is that
wishing isn't enough.
Wishing has no paths,
no roads,
all it meets is dead-ends,
dead-ends.
Wishing couldn't bring you back,
couldn't fix this,
could never mend my broken heart.
And I'm afraid,
oh,
I'm so afraid...
that neither can I.
I'm so afraid.
And it hurts.
It hurts to feel all this pain,
it's driving me insane.
The best part is I don't need it,
I just want it.
And I'm so scared
it's not in me to bring you back.
And maybe a small part of me acknowledges
it's not in me.
But another part beats it,
a big part of me, in me.
Because I have faith,
if only a little,
the smallest amount of it.
Because I want it to be in me.
I'll force it if I must.
Because even if I don't get to call you mine again,
I don't think I even care if I never call you mine again.
All I know is
this isn't the way I want the story to end.
And I'll do everything, perhaps anything
to change the ending.

Stuck waiting

2009-08-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

Goodbye.
A simple word
that instantly shattered
what I believed was perfection.

I love you,
I don't hesitate to speak
say those three words out loud.
Because they're still true.
And they'll be true.

I can't believe
we fell to hell.
I watched us
slip through my fingers.
And I couldn't even speak.
I still can't.
I can't stop this.
It's not in my power,
but it's my will.
I wish I could
keep this from happening.
Oh I wish,
but my wishing
is nothing to their (damn them) power.

I wish I could believe.
Have a little faith.
But I'm past believing,
past having faith.

Maybe someday,
I'll look you in the eyes again.
Maybe someday,
you'll look me in the eyes again.
And we'll say those words,
like magic.
Maybe.

Perhaps someday,
we'll be friends again.
Perhaps someday,
I'll see you smile.
Oh, that smile.
Perhaps someday,
you'll see me smile back.

I wish it hadn't ended like this,
a stupid mistake (not mine, not mine)
that made us break.
Oh God,
I miss you.
It hasn't been a day.
And I miss you.
Oh God,
I miss you.

Time heals everything.
Or so it's said.
So I guess I'm stuck
waiting.

Dreamer

2009-08-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

If you're the dream,
I want to be the dreamer.

Maybe it doesn't matter how it happened,
because all I know is that this, this right here...
is perfection, love, beauty.

Maybe it doesn't even matter what it is,
because you're mine.
And that alone is enough.
For once in my life, I don't have to ask the questions,
for once in my life, I don't have to get answers.

It's like falling,
falling into darkness,
where you can't see anything, and taking that jump
was the biggest risk.

But I jumped.

But I'm a risk-taker.
Anyday, anyway, everyday, everyway
(For you)

If you're the dream,
I don't want to be the dreamer...
I am the dreamer.

Fool

2009-07-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

It's a silent dance

with the truth.

A beautiful lie

hidden in everyone's eyes.

It's a loud charade

with the lies.

An ugly truth

scarred in everyone's skin.

It's a game,

so easy, so simple,

and we all play.

Hey stranger,

hey you,

yes you,

over there...

I think you know the rules

quite well?

"No," you whisper,

eyes pointed to the floor.

Liar.

We all know

you've played this game

and played it like a fool.

But somewhere in between

everyone's bluffing,

everyone's backstabbing,

everyone's laughter

(aimed at you),

everyone's lying truths,

you became a

pro.

I think I saw you already,

it must've been somewhere.

Because

I've seen all you've got...

I know that poker face.

Honey,

you're not even fooling yourself.

But it's funny

how

this mirror

laughs at me.

It's funny how this mirror

speaks what I can't.

It's funny

that the mirror mocks me,

mocks me because

somewhere along the way...

I went numb.

And this lie

is far too perfect

to break.

Somewhere along the way

I learned.

I blocked the pain,

and now

I fear I'm insane.

Can't you see?

Your words don't harm me,

I'll spit them right back to you.

Your lies don't break me,

I'll give you even bigger ones.

Shhhh...

listen.

I think I hear...

I hear your heart aching,

breaking,

shattering.

Pieces scattered along the floor

and reflecting

your face.

Your face,

stricken...

because you've somehow,

someway,

lost your game.

The mirror doesn't mock you anymore,

it cries.

Because you can't play anymore.

You've already sang your goodbyes.

But don't worry love,

we don't mock you.

Everyone doesn't mock me?

You whisper, lying on the floor.

No,

the mirror S C R E A M S back.

Because up until now,

you made us all believe

that you would beat the system.

That you were beyond strong.

And that was enough.

For once in your life,

it was enough.

I don't want to quit.

You say, your final breaths coming.

But you've already have,

the mirror smiles sadly.

Some things

just can't be saved.

Some things

aren't meant to happen.

Some things

will defeat you before you know it.

What happened, stranger?

Weren't you a pro?

So how come

you let life's little challenges

get in your way.

Didn't you once say,

no one could take your happiness away?

strives to manipulate

manipulated you.

FOOL.

And

at the end of the day

with your final breath

you look at the mirror
and you

whisper,

then scream

Game over.

Dear _____________

2009-07-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

Dear _____________,

Stop it.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful beyond belief.

You're perfect in your own damn way.

Don't let anyone make you believe differently.

Why?

Why must you believe you're not good enough?

Because you are.

You are,

in a million ways

and more.

Why are you doing this to me?

Aren't you supposed to be happy for me?

Why are you screwing this up?

I love you,

always have...

probably always will.

But you're fucking up love,

big time.

I want you to look me in the eyes

and say

"I'm happy for you".

Is it really that hard?

Can't you stop being selfish for one second?

I need you.

I need to hear you say those

four words.

I need you to show me

you mean them.

Why is it so hard?

Aren't you my

oldest and loveliest friend?

Wake up.

It's not all about you.

I want you to stop this nonsense.

Stop thinking you're not good enough.

Stop wasting your time over

stupid childish thoughts.

Wake UP.

I need you to stop.

I need you to be there.

I don't need your criticism,

I need your love.

Stop this.

Stop.

Wake UP.

And tell me

you know you're beautiful.

Wake UP.

And tell me

you're sorry.

(Mean it?)

Wake UP.

Because I need you.

I need you...

now more than ever,

when everything is going to hell.

Wake UP.

Because we can't keep dancing around the truth.

I don't need your jealousy.

I don't need your anger.

Your hate.

I need you as my friend.

I need you as that three year old

that became the person I know now.

I need you, as the one

I've always laughed, cried,

screamed

with.

Wake UP.

Because this isn't perfection,

this isn't your world.

Honey,

this is reality.

And in reality

you never know what you have

until you lose it.

And in reality,

it'll get old.

In reality,

I won't want to hear it forever.

And in reality,

we just might not be able to fix

all your broken strings.

And in reality,

I could stop trying.

beg

you,

STOP.

Sunday?

2009-07-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

It's not easy.

It's not easy to wake up everyday

When you know,
when you know beyond knowledge that...
not a single thing...

Not a single...
fucking thing
is going to change.

Go look in the mirror,
will you please?
And tell me what you see.

I look at myself and can't seem to look beyond
the fact that you've screwed it ALL up.

Maybe you don't care.
Maybe you can't change.

But does it matter?
Did it ever?

Frankly,
I'm sick.

I'm sick of all your
bullshit.

The story never changes.
The story will never change.

But that doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter that this will always be the same.
What matters is how it's left us all.

You're too selfish to see beyond yourself.
But we've lost
everything
to you.

For once,
for once in your life...
look me in the eyes
and tell me, speak, say:
"I love you."

Screw you.
I don't want another heartless apology.
Much less three words that don't mean
anything to you.
Three words I've tried to convince myself
countless times,
might actually mean something.

Three fucking words you have the power, the will to speak...
three fucking words I'd like to never hear from you
ever again.

Screw you.
Go tell someone else your bullshit.

Because I, for one, have heard this
a hundred, a thousand, a million, a billion
times.

Four words (from the bottom of my heart):

I don't love you.

Who knew?

2009-07-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

Who knew?
That one day I'd wake up
and for once, I could feel everything shifting beneath my feet.
As if, with sudden motion, the world decided to spin with me instead of
against me.
I think I'm starting to see in color, instead
of those million shades of gray.
I'm not saying everything's finally falling into place...
because it's not in any way.
It's just that, for once, it doesn't feel like I'll fall apart
in two seconds.

Who knew?
Who knew indeed? : )