Fuck this :)

Good.
Just when I had it all out of my head...
it's back :)
Joy, oh joy.
I wish this feeling would fade,
this feeling of loneliness, of remembering,
of hating, of dreaming, of everything.
It's just another mix,
another week spent
thinking too much
about something that's not
worth thinking of.

I hate my family.
I'm so sick of all of them. :(

10 days until my birthday! :)
18 until my trip :) I can't wait to get away from Hell for a while, even if I'm taking a piece of me with it. :)

Indecisive :)

I'm tired of over-thinking everything.
Lately, I'm finding I can't make up my mind.
Back to the same old
shiit? :)
It's not really bad though,
I'm finding I like things better like this.
What I was too blind to see,
everyone saw.
I'm glad I opened my eyes on time :)
The only thing I hate:
not being able to decide,
it's all between what I want, what I can't have and what I know.
This sucks :)
And yet,
I'm in love with being
indecisive :)

Over.

Over it :)
Over you.
Over the situation.
Over it :) Over you :) Over your ego :)
Karma. Karma. Karma. My new best friend && your newest and worst enemy...just wait for it. It's coming baby :)

F

To be honest,
I can't forget you.
Fuck.
It's like every second of the day,
I find you inside my head.
I hate this.
The worst feeling
is this:
knowing I could still say "I love you"
and mean it, say it with all the honesty in the world
and knowing you could never say it to me,
knowing I'd never hear you say it back with honesty.
Knowing that while I'm suffering,
you shamelessly move on.
I'm not saying moving on is bad,
not in the least...
but why the fuck did you, could you
do that so fast?
It hurts.
That while I'm in pain,
you go on.
You go on happily,
dandily.
Fuck.
I want you out of my head.
Damn it.
I want you out of my head already.
I hate myself,
hate myself for still loving you,
when I don't even want to anymore.
I hate myself,
hate myself for still checking my cellphone everyday,
hoping,
wishing,
waiting.
FUCK.
This wasn't supposed to happen like this,
I never wanted it to end this way.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
No no no.
I can't forget,
I remember
every detail, every little thing.
Ask me anything(ANYTHING)
and I could tell you,
oh,
oh so easily.
Screw this all.
I'm fed up with our memories,
fed up with everything I know about you.
Fed up with these things.
My heart is still breaking,
this awful aching.
I miss you,
I won't even lie,
not even to myself.
I miss you.
FUCK.
FUCK.
And FUCK again.

Wisher

I wish it wasn't like this,
but wishing seems to be everything I do lately.
I don't even have strenght to smile,
I feel like I'm falling to pieces,
and the mirror confirms it.
I wish this had never happened,
I wish I could still call you mine.
I know I'm a fool.
But I don't even give a shit about it anymore.
All I know is that
wishing isn't enough.
Wishing has no paths,
no roads,
all it meets is dead-ends,
dead-ends.
Wishing couldn't bring you back,
couldn't fix this,
could never mend my broken heart.
And I'm afraid,
oh,
I'm so afraid...
that neither can I.
I'm so afraid.
And it hurts.
It hurts to feel all this pain,
it's driving me insane.
The best part is I don't need it,
I just want it.
And I'm so scared
it's not in me to bring you back.
And maybe a small part of me acknowledges
it's not in me.
But another part beats it,
a big part of me, in me.
Because I have faith,
if only a little,
the smallest amount of it.
Because I want it to be in me.
I'll force it if I must.
Because even if I don't get to call you mine again,
I don't think I even care if I never call you mine again.
All I know is
this isn't the way I want the story to end.
And I'll do everything, perhaps anything
to change the ending.

Stuck waiting

Goodbye.
A simple word
that instantly shattered
what I believed was perfection.

I love you,
I don't hesitate to speak
say those three words out loud.
Because they're still true.
And they'll be true.

I can't believe
we fell to hell.
I watched us
slip through my fingers.
And I couldn't even speak.
I still can't.
I can't stop this.
It's not in my power,
but it's my will.
I wish I could
keep this from happening.
Oh I wish,
but my wishing
is nothing to their (damn them) power.

I wish I could believe.
Have a little faith.
But I'm past believing,
past having faith.

Maybe someday,
I'll look you in the eyes again.
Maybe someday,
you'll look me in the eyes again.
And we'll say those words,
like magic.
Maybe.

Perhaps someday,
we'll be friends again.
Perhaps someday,
I'll see you smile.
Oh, that smile.
Perhaps someday,
you'll see me smile back.

I wish it hadn't ended like this,
a stupid mistake (not mine, not mine)
that made us break.
Oh God,
I miss you.
It hasn't been a day.
And I miss you.
Oh God,
I miss you.

Time heals everything.
Or so it's said.
So I guess I'm stuck
waiting.

Dreamer

If you're the dream,
I want to be the dreamer.

Maybe it doesn't matter how it happened,
because all I know is that this, this right here...
is perfection, love, beauty.

Maybe it doesn't even matter what it is,
because you're mine.
And that alone is enough.
For once in my life, I don't have to ask the questions,
for once in my life, I don't have to get answers.

It's like falling,
falling into darkness,
where you can't see anything, and taking that jump
was the biggest risk.

But I jumped.

But I'm a risk-taker.
Anyday, anyway, everyday, everyway
(For you)

If you're the dream,
I don't want to be the dreamer...
I am the dreamer.